Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Hotness, Part 1: The Ten Sexiest Actresses


I have just realized, with horror, that I haven't done a "list" post for several days now. For shame! We all know how I luvs me some lists.

I have also realized the Debbie Downer tone of my last few postings, so I've decided it was high time to roll out the barrel of monkeys and write a light, fun list. I debated back and forth for a while on what the topic should be. After much internal struggle, strife, and bloodshed (OK, not really), I've chosen to present to you my Top Ten Sexiest Actors and Actresses. I'm splitting this into two separate posts; I'll cover the women -- erm, excuse me -- the womyn today, and the fellas tomorrow.

Now. A couple of things to remember. Firstly, this is not a list of my picks for The Sexiest Actors and Actresses of All Time. It's my list for those actors and actresses working (and alive) today. As much as I love classic film and its stars, I needed to narrow down the porking field.

Also, it's important to know that the sexiest thing in the world to me is talent. Sexier than the most sparkling eyes, tightest abs, largest boobs, or biggest schlong. I think this fact is evident in all my selections.

Finally, these are my choices. Just my opinions, my tastes, my attractions. You'll probably disagree, or at the least be a little shocked, at some of my picks. If you've stumbled upon this post looking for the names of Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts, you may as well stumble on. You won't find those names here. Admittedly, a few of my picks are conventional, but most are not. Though my tastes tend to defy any particular type or style, one thing is consistent: I don't do cream cheese. And when it comes to contemporary Hollywood -- to quote the immortal words of Clairee Belcher -- "they all look like they were carved out of cream cheese."

I'm not saying you may not find slight traces of creaminess here, but for the most part, my list is entirely vegan and damn HAWT. Bon Appetit.

The Ladies

Marion Cotillard10. Marion Cotillard. In the greatest performance by an actress I've seen in 10+ years, Marion Cotillard utterly transformed herself to play the titular "Piaf". The transformation was so successful (Cotillard shaved back her hairline and shaved off her eyebrows), that the beauty of the 32-year-old Parisian was completely unrecognizable. But damn: look what was hiding under that immense talent. A delicate heart-shaped face.
Glowing china-doll skin. Eyes emitting a light that is at once radiant and mysterious. It's enough to make a hot-blooded gay break into a cold sweat. Marion, if you need help polishing your Oscar, call me.

Lynn Whitfield
9. Lynn Whitfield. I've had a massive girl-crush on Lynn Whitfield ever since "The Josephine Baker Story" in 1991. Even in more recent fare, like [one of my personal favorites] "Eve's Bayou" and the TV show "Without a Trace", the 55-year-old actress proves she's still got it. With her intense, imploring gaze, stunning smile, and regal elegance, not to mention her drool-inducing recreation of Josephine Baker's famed banana dance, Lynn Whitfield is a childhood crush that still makes my granny-panties moist.

Catherine Deneuve
8. Catherine Deneuve. Class, thy name is Catherine Deneuve. Yes, she's old enough to be my mother (in fact, she's the same age as my mom -- a number I won't disclose here because my mom will kill me), yet Deneuve's breathtaking combination of style, class and subtle sexual mystery are not only worthy of a spot on this list, but a high-ranking slot on The Sexiest People Who Ever Walked the Earth list as well. Deneuve possesses an ageless grace, stunning good looks, and an immense talent that is all but obsolete in the contemporary Hollywood landscape.

Meryl Streep



7. Meryl Streep.
Because this is a Top Ten List, and Meryl deserves a place on EVERY Top Ten List. It's in the Bible.




Scarlett Johansson
6. Scarlett Johansson. Oh, Miss Scarlett! In a time when most young starlets Johansson's age (23) are running wild, drinking and drugging and creating scandal with every step, Scarlett Johansson is a true anomaly. She's rarely seen in public, does not discuss her personal life, and chooses impressive and diverse roles to best showcase her ever-growing talent. It also doesn't hurt that she's a ravishing beauty. Curvy and voluptuous, with full pouty lips, lush features, and eyes that emanate a wisdom far beyond her years, this young actress is poised on the threshold of greatness.

Tilda Swinton
5. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton is not your typical Hollywood sex symbol. Hers is a sexiness that radiates from a striking, ethereal, and unconventional woman, who has created a life and career around bucking tradition and challenging accepted ideas of beauty. Her shock of red hair, ghostly skin, penetrating emerald eyes, and unique style lend her the haunting exquisitenesses of a noblewoman plucked from the annals of history. Swinton, 47, also has a remarkably androgynous quality, which she wields with great sophistication and soul-baring sensuality.

Jessica Lange
4. Jessica Lange. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know she's had a little work done, but Jessica Lange remains -- and shall always remain -- one of the great beauties of all time. Now 59, both Lange's sex appeal and talent seem to increase with age. Just when I think she can't top her last performance, she comes along and one-ups herself. Just when I think she can't possibly get any hotter, she ages another year and shows all those young plastic bitches how it's done. The lush, shapely figure, dramatic, angular face, and that voice -- holy crap, that voice! So throaty and languid and positively dripping with sex. Excuse me, I think something just happened in my pants.

Kate Winslet
3. Kate Winslet. Screw Hepburn, this is the real winner of the title, "The Great Kate". Not only did Winslet, 32, have FIVE Oscar nominations by the age of 30 (and another at 31), but she has managed to avoid the Hollywood drudgery and remain true to her art. After "Titanic", she could've easily become the next Julia or Angelina; instead she did a terrific little art film no one saw called "Hideous Kinky". Today she floats effortlessly between independent and mainstream films, but always opts for the most fascinating of characters. Yet talent is just one part of Winslet's knock-out beauty. She's also extremely sexy and earthy -- and she's actually shaped like a real woman, something she is both proud of and unapologetic about. And the beauty in that speaks for itself.

Halle Berry
2. Halle Berry. Just look at her. Forget "Catwoman" and "The Flintstones", and just stare at that warm brown gaze, flawless mocha skin, and perfectly sensual poise. Remember "Introducing Dorothy Dandridge" and "Monster's Ball", and behold the captivating sexiness and talent of the first woman of color to win a Best Actress Oscar. Watch her acceptance speech again (one of the most authentic and genuine ever), and you'll see that the physical beauty of Halle Berry (41 -- and a new mother!) ain't nothin' compared to what's inside. That, my friends, is true beauty.

Cate Blanchett
1. Cate Blanchett. The following is a true story. Though I'd loved Cate Blanchett for a while (she blew me away in "Elizabeth", "The Shipping News", "The Gift" -- pretty much anything she's ever done), it wasn't until "Lord of the Rings" that I fell in love with her. While watching her in the rather small role of Galadriel, I locked eyes with Blanchett, my heart fell to my knees, and I said aloud, "THAT is the face of heaven." Like Swinton, Blanchett's beauty is almost ethereal, I'd even go so far as to say celestial, in its otherworldliness. And it's all edged with an undeniable sex appeal, a raw erotic power that could turn me faster than a charred pancake. Blanchett, a 39-year-old married mother of two sons, has also proved herself as a style icon: it's impossible for her to set foot on a red carpet without burning the damn thing up. She too, of course, is worthy of "The Great Kate (Cate)" title (Hmmm....CATFIGHT!), consistently turning in the most impressive performances of any actor in recent memory (rent "The Aviator" and see her Oscar-winning turn as Hepburn; it's my favorite Blanchett performance). I think it can safely be said that she is well on her way to becoming the next Meryl Streep -- and, well, we all know how I feel about her.


WHEW! I'm spent. Now I'm going to have a cigarette, roll over, and go to sleep. Was it good for you too?

And tomorrow...THE MEN!


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