The Hotness, Part 2: The Ten Sexiest Actors

Well. I hope you've all recovered from yesterday's Unbridled Ecstasy Fest, a.k.a. my list of choices for The Top Ten Sexiest Actresses. Actually, I hope you've recovered and then some, because today we move on to the fellas!

It should come as no surprise that compiling this list of The Top Ten Sexiest Actors was infinitely more challenging than putting yesterday's catalog together . In fact, at one point in my first draft, I had nearly thirty names on the roster. Narrowing it down to ten was harder than -- well, harder than me assembling this list. But I do think I've made some good choices; at the least, I've released an inordinately high amount of serotonin into my brain, which is never a bad thing.

So grab a fork and some A-1, sit back, and sink your teeth into these Grade A, USDA choice hunks of man-meat. Buon appetito.

The Gentlemen

10. Joaquin Phoenix. Dark, brooding, intense, AND vegan, Joaquin Phoenix is a man after my own heart. There's that piercing stare that seems to see clear through anyone and anything in its path; those thick, suggestively-arched eyebrows; even that Average Joe body is wildly sexy. But Phoenix, 33, is not your Average Joe. In between dazzlingly complex movie roles, while his peers are lounging on the beaches of St. Tropez or boinking 18-year-old starlets, Phoenix is fighting for animal rights and working with native tribes in the Amazon. I wonder how you say "I want to have your babies" in Yawanawa?

9. Djimon Hounsou. In one of my favorite episodes of "Designing Women", a rather amorous client takes an instant liking to Anthony, the African-American deliveryman, and says, "I hope you don't find this racist, but where ever did you find this big black beautiful buck?". This line came back to me the instant I first laid eyes on actor-model Djimon Hounsou, who is so stunningly beautiful that I was left speechless. With his unerring style and grace, Honsou, 44, has set aflame both the big screen and the world's most renowned catwalks. Despite an imposing stage presence, his film performances are studied and emotionally-centered (his roles in both "In America" and "Blood Diamond" will break your heart). Barrel-chested, with a soft, sensuous face and an erotic baritone of a voice that can shake one down in even the naughtiest of places, Djimon Hounsou is a walking tribute to the powers of elegance, diversity, talent...and yes, even sex.

8. Ralph Fiennes. Ralph Fiennes is serious. Seriously talented: see "Schindler's List", "The English Patient", "The End of the Affair", "Spider", "The Constant Gardner"; the man is electric. Seriously serious: Fiennes, 45, rarely smiles; when he does, it looks about as natural as a rabid cougar playing tiddlywinks. And of course, seriously sexy: the lack of smile only enhances Fiennes' esoteric sex appeal -- hooded eyes that are surprisingly bright (and the most paralyzing shade of icy blue), a chiseled angular nose, wan skin belying the raging vitality churning beneath, and a lustrous golden timbre wrapping around words while wrapping around your very soul. Yup. That's pretty serious: seriously fucking HOT.

7. Jonathan Rhys Meyers. His lips, which look as if they were sculpted by hand in replication of some Greek god, and eyes the color and strength of cold hard steel, are worthy topics alone to swoon over in this paragraph. But Jonathan Rhys Meyers, 30, is far more intricate than his flawless face (and body) reveal. The tremendously gifted actor is equally adept at playing contemporary characters ("Velvet Goldmine", "Match Point") and historical icons ("The Tudors", "The Lion in Winter", and my personal favorite, "Titus"); he has the uncanny knack of imbuing his roles with a mixture of a bad boy's swaggering bravado, a naive innocence bordering on purity, and an uninhibited sexual energy (this energy, I think, is something innate in Rhys Meyers: a natural extension of who he is). It's amazing to watch him pull this combination off so successfully. Hell, it's amazing to watch him just standing there.

6. Sendhil Ramamurthy. Whenever a straight guy comments on the undeniable hotness of a male celebrity, I always take note. This was the case with my friend Mitch, who's as straight and secure as they come. But even he had to admit his lust for "Heroes" star Sendhil Ramamurthy. I will confess I didn't know much about the 34-year-old actor before Mitch's disclosure, but I'm so grateful I've been introduced to Ramamurthy's sizzling hotness. The lambent copper skin, sumptuous chocolatey eyes, thick mass of jet curls, lean, lickable (did I just say that?) frame: if it's enough to turn a straight man, you KNOW it's gotta be good.

5. Christian Bale. Christian Bale can do no wrong in my book. Maybe it's because we share the same birthday. Maybe it's because I fell head over heels for him when I was a young'un watching those craptacular movies "Swing Kids" and "Newsies". Maybe it's because he's one of the most talented (and underrated) actors working today. Who am I kidding? It's because he's blisteringly sexy. Whether buffed to chiseled perfection ("American Psycho", "Batman Begins") or slim and scrumptious ("Little Women", "Velvet Goldmine"), Bale, 34, lifts the label of "classic good looks" to a new standard of sexiness.

4. Jake Gyllenhaal. Let us now look at a Timeline of Hotness, shall we? Jake Gyllenhaal was cute before the gay cowboy movie; beautiful during the gay cowboy movie; and hotter than a fried egg cooked on the belly of a hooker just released from a Death Valley prison after the gay cowboy movie. The 27-year-old has done some pretty impressive work in his short career, with "Brokeback" of course being a standout. With his enchanting gaze of wonderment, strong masculine jawline, and pristine, clean-cut good looks, no other actor in recent memory has so totally captured the erotic fantasies of women and gay men everywhere. Gyllenhaal, much like yesterday's pick Scarlett Johansson, is a young actor on the precipice of superstardom. And we are all the luckier for it.

3. Liev Schreiber. Gather round y'all, it's time for another true story. I once worked in a ginormous office building, and I'd occasionally run into this guy on my cigarette breaks who looked very similar to Liev Schreiber. Being the nutcase that I am, I transferred my crush on Liev to this lookalike, and soon I had coordinated all of my smoke breaks with his. We chatted from time to time (he only spoke to me because he wanted to pork one of my female colleagues), and though he was a nice guy, he was -- alas -- not my Liev. Schreiber, 40, is a somewhat unconventional-looking sex symbol -- yet it is precisely in that unorthodoxy that his libidinous charms reside. Round-cheeked, squinty-eyed, and gravelly-voiced, he comes off as a rough-around-the-edges type but is in actuality quite graceful, stylish, and a helluva good actor. He also has a mysterious quality that makes him look like he's hiding something -- and oh what fun I'd have trying to solve that mystery....

2. Daniel Day-Lewis. A few short years ago, there was no way you could tell me that, should I ever write a Top Ten Sexiest Actors list, anyone but Daniel Day-Lewis would be #1. Though things have changed, and Daniel has slipped to the none-too-shabby #2 spot, it is not at all a reflection on the intense talent, sexiness, and magnetism of this iconic actor. Day-Lewis, 51, is rightfully regarded as one of the finest actors of our time, delivering powerhouse performances every time he sets foot before a camera. His unrivaled talent, though, often overshadows his equally powerful beauty: classic bone structure; dark, almost menacingly sexy eyes; and a regal, sensuous demeanor that is a throwback to some of the great leading men of Hollywood's golden age. Oh, and he looks great in a loincloth.

1. Adrien Brody. Oh, PLEASE. Like you didn't see this one coming for miles. There's not much more I can say about my Adrien that I haven't already salivated over in previous posts. Except this. I would let Adrien Brody, 35, do things to me with just his nose -- things that I wouldn't let anyone else do with...with, well, other body parts. Enough said. Actually,


I think that may have been TOO much said. (BONUS: If you want to witness the event that nearly caused me to have a testicular explosion, check out Adrien accepting his Oscar from my #2 sexiest actress, Halle Berry. This is hardcore porn for me.)



And so wraps up my lists for The Top Ten Sexiest Actors and Actresses. In closing, I'd just like to say that these were the two most draining posts I've ever written. Lesson learned: writing about sex is almost as fun, hot, and exhausting as actually doing it.

I need a shower.