"I'm an Honest Person"...and Other Lies Human Beings Tell

As people, we can be pretty shysty. There are so many lines we use on one another that are outright lies...and, surprisingly, most of these assertions are never challenged. I've taken stock of some of the more apparent universal lies we tell and compiled them here in a sort of Liar's Lexicon. I've included the line, the circumstances in which it is used, an example of the lie in action, and the translation of what it REALLY means.

Line: "I'm an honest person." Usage: Whenever someone says this, they always follow it by saying something really mean, oftentimes disrespectful and plain ol' rude. Example: "I'm an honest person, so you should know that I'm happy you're barren." Translation: "I'm an asshole with no tact."

Line: "Let's just lie in bed and watch a movie." Usage: As a lead-in to sexy time. I wonder how many people were conceived this way. And I know the veracity of this statement, for I, alas, have been both an instigator and victim of it. I ain't proud. Example: "I had a great time tonight on our date at the roller rink. Now let's just lie in bed and watch a movie." Translation: Scramble for the condoms and KY. You're about to go a-porkin'!

Line: "And thank you for riding the MBTA." Usage: Only Bostonians will get this one. This sentence is usually declared at the end of one of those annoying PSAs that blare while you're waiting for the subway. Example: "Due to oompa-loompas mating on the tracks, we only have one red line train in operation today. And thank you for riding the MBTA." Translation: "We hate you, and we can treat you like shit because you're dependent upon us. A pox on you, your children, and your children's children [insert maniacal laugh here]!"

Lines: "I need some space" and "It's not you, it's me...." Usage: These are age-old break-up lines, used to dump the dead weight of a boyfriend/girlfriend in an attempt to spare the dumpee's feelings. Example: "I need some space, I'm going through a lot right now. You're perfect just the way you are. It's not you, it's me." Translation: "You have a small dick, and I need space to escape your nasty-ass morning breath. So yeah, it really is about you."

Line: "I'm a people person!" Usage: Another one that I've both utilized and been on the receiving end of, this line is typically used in job interviews. Example: "I'm great with customers and enjoy meeting new people. I guess you could say I'm a people person!" Translation: "I am a jelly-spined doormat, and I accept that I will be forced to whore out my soul for your fucking $9 an hour job."

Line: "I'm between jobs." Usage: This one always pops out of the mouth of the unemployed when confronted with the question of what he/she does for a living. Example: "I'm between jobs at the moment. I have a degree in philosophy and was recently laid off from my career at Cinnabun." Translation: "I'm totally unemployable and my ass has grown fused to the sofa cushions. Could I borrow a quarter to call my dealer?"

Line: "I'm straight but curious." Usage: Usually found on social networking sites (in other words: places to find a lay), I see this line used by men wanting to "explore their sexuality". Example: "Attractive, white, married man seeking first time male-male encounter. I'm straight but curious and need to keep this on the down-low." Translation: "I'm a big old gay. Please don't tell my wife."

Line: "I'm not a big reader." Usage: If you ever find yourself talking about books, either with a group of people or one-on-one with someone you don't know terribly well, this line often comes up. Example: "Naw, I didn't read the latest Jackie Collins. I'm just so busy, I don't have the time. I'm not a big reader." Translation: "I don't read anything at all because I might miss "Wife Swap". Besides, they make all the good books into Meredith Baxter-Birney movies, so why waste my time?"

Line: "You have such a pretty face." Usage: Anyone with a half a brain recognizes that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. But unfortunately, we live in an image-obsessed culture that deems skinny = attractive and fat = ugly. People often say this when talking to or about an overweight woman. Example: "It's a shame she's so morbidly obese. She has such a pretty face." Translation: In the immortal words of the great Roseanne: "You'd look good if you were just a head."

Line: "Work from home! Make [insert insane dollar amount here] per day!" Usage: We are inundated with statements like these in our junk email and on neighborhood bulletin boards. Example: "Work from home as an independent sales consultant for Herbalife! Make $2000 or more every day!" Translation: "Welcome to the heinous world of multi-level marketing. Get ready to sell a bunch of shit to your family, friends, and anyone else you wish to alienate. Better yet, recruit them to work "under" you so as to better spread our message of world domination. And get ready to fork out a lot of cash for your stock. Our skanky vitamins aren't cheap. In lieu of payment, though, we are willing to accept the blood of your firstborn."