Where It's At

"An unfulfilled vocation drains the color from a man's entire existence." -Honoré de Balzac

"When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home." -Betty Bender


It's here.

Judgment Day.

My Judgment Day. Tomorrow.

Years ago, my therapist handed me a slip of paper (which I still have) that contained a gentle reminder. The words are meant to help shatter my cycle of unfulfillment: the mad spiraling in which I have often found myself. It reads, "I live my life in accordance to principles that are false. And that is where it's at."

That is where it's at.

In my apparently-outrageous attempts to do my job well, I have stepped on one too many toes, bruised one too many egos, and refused to take part in any childish games. It seems I have offended someone in a position of power at my place of employment, and for that I will pay. Tomorrow I am expecting yet another "talking to".

I've never found myself in a situation like this before. I have been damn good at all the jobs I've ever held, and my current job is no exception. Anyone who knows me understands that if I do something wrong, or handle something inappropriately, I am the first person to fess up. I have no problem admitting I made a mistake. I have no problem apologizing.

But in the issues at hand, I made no mistakes whatsoever. I've handled myself with professionalism and skill from day one, and I am simply not responsible for how someone else -- even an authority figure -- might interpret my actions. In fact, I think I've successfully handled everything that has come across my desk in the last eight months, despite working for a company that is structurally and operationally a total disaster. I wholeheartedly and unwaveringly stand by every decision I've made.

I must remember this tomorrow during my "talking to". I must remember that I live my life in accordance to principles that are false. It behooves no one for me to apologize and atone for things I've done, when those things require no apology or atonement. Tasks were done effectively; they do not demand an explanation or a defense. I must hold fast to this. I must tell my truth in an assertive, professional manner. I must stay calm. I must quash the desire to apologize and be made into the bad guy, just so someone else can feel better about their own position. I don't owe anything to anyone, except the truth.

Will I be fired? Probably not. Will I be so shaken that I walk out? Possibly.

But what I must remember...what I must always remember...is this:

I live my life in accordance to principles that are false. And that is where it's at.