The (Super)Power and the Glory

I just read a very entertaining article on one of my favorite blogs. In it, the author discusses what superpowers she would like to have.

John once told me he often fantasizes about what superhuman powers he would choose, if such a thing were possible. The one he desires the most is the ability to make it rain on command, usually over the head of a disrespectful smoker with whom we are in close quarters. I think this ability is one possessed by some comic book character he enjoys. I'm not sure which one, being that I run screaming and pulling out (what's left of) my hair whenever anything to do with comic books, superheroes, or supernatural powers are mentioned.

Given those feelings, I confess I only decided to examine my own secret superpower daydreams because I was drawing a blank on what to write about today. And so, onto my list of Fantasy Superpowers. In order to get the full effect, you may want to hold some kryptonite while you read this post.

Actually, scratch that. I have no idea what kryptonite even is, I was just trying to get in the mood.

Bilocation. Despite the ambiguous moniker, this doesn't mean I want to make sexy with both men and women. It means that I'd like to have the ability to be in two places at once. I'm not talking cloning: I'm envisioning just one me in two places simultaneously. Yeah, it's confusing. But it's not altogether fantastic. Many devoutly spiritual people (saints, healers, holy men) have been said to possess the power of bilocation. Of course, they probably did it by ingesting massive amounts of communion wine or peyote; I'll have to research that part a bit more. Regardless, one part of me I would send to work, the other would stay at home and watch foreign films and eat fudge. At the end of the workday, I would magically meld back into a single entity. I would listen to my worker self kvetch about the boredom and ridiculousness of my job. Then, in an effort to soothe and self-medicate, I would eat more fudge.

Hair Mastery. Oh what bliss it would be to be able to control my hair. Some days I enjoy having a shaved head, but on others I would really like to have my long flowing locks back. It would be grand to run my hand over my scalp and command my coif to fit whatever mood or style I might be feeling that day. In a similar vein, I could finally control the pesky hairs that indiscriminately pop up on my shoulders. I'm by no means a bear of a man, so the presence of these random follicles truly vexes me. I usually take care of them with a Bic, though I did get waxed once. I admit the end result was pleasant, but the process itself can only be described as an untapped-into torture method. It might also be fun to command myself totally hairless everywhere. I'd like to see what those prissy little twinks are so damn prissy about.

Superstar Power. For one day, it would so fun to be a celebrity. Not just your run-of-the-mill tabloid whore, but a real, bona-fide superstar. I'd roll out of bed at noon, be chauffeured to Starbucks for a venti soy cinnamon dolce latte, with the paps in tow. Then I would saunter on over to a movie or TV studio, where I would film a two minute cameo in one take and have a a million-dollar check in hand before leaving. Dinner would be somewhere glamorous, like Spago, or Sizzler. And then on to a night of debauchery...the only remnants of which would be published the next day: another swaying, unsteady star getting into a limo with no underwear.

X-Ray Vision. OK, this one is pretty run-of-the-mill, I admit. But how cool would it be to have x-ray vision that you can switch on and off at will? As much as I'd like to say I'd spend my time checking out anyone I was remotely interested in seeing naked, let's be real. I'd spend my entire life watching Adrien Brody movies on constant repeat.

Brain Control. I would find it so rewarding to be able to walk up to any stupid person and smack them upside the head. Before they could respond, my all-powerful smack would've already implanted common sense into their brains. They would thank me and go on their way, and, alas, there's one less stupid person in the world. There is one major drawback to this superpower, though: I'd get nothing accomplished. I'd spend my days walking around slapping the great majority of the population.

WAIT. I just realized something. Will possession of any of these superpowers require me to wear tights? Oh happy day! This is a delicious fantasy, indeed!