All I Really Need To Know I Learned From "Dynasty"

Lately, my friend Elizabeth and I have been reminiscing romantically about that scion of 80s American television, "Dynasty". Riding high on this "Dynastiness", I just spent an entirely-too-enjoyable 16 minutes on You Tube watching a few of Krystle and Alexis' catfights from the show. Those brawls were always my favorite, and over time they have become "Dynasty"'s enduring legacy.

I watched "Dynasty" religiously. From the ages of nine to thirteen, I thought I was Joan Collins...but that's a topic for another post. When you're an impressionable, bizarre child like I was, "Dynasty" can be a great educator of all life lessons.

Here is what I learned from "Dynasty".

-When depressed, slap on some massive shoulder pads, chunky geometrically-shaped earrings, and a meticulously-feathered coif. Yup. It makes me feel better every time.

-Never resort to violence. Resort to a catfight! It doesn't matter if your heated argument begins in an art studio, beside a mud-caked ravine, or next to a lily pond. You can use any location to suit the needs of your catfight. Pent-up rage is best expressed with sharp slaps to the face, feral scratches, and a lot of hair-pulling. Which brings me to....

-Never leave the house without making sure your wig is super-glued to your scalp. Chances are, if conditions are favorable for a catfight (and really, when aren't they?), that wig will go soaring through the air faster than a peregrine falcon on uppers.

-Before entangling oneself in said catfight, make sure your opponent isn't an Amazon. I never realized, until watching the You Tube clips, that Krystle was a big ol' drag queen and effectively beat Alexis down every chance she got.

-If you're gay, just marry two hot women and hope you suddenly become straight. Steven Carrington, Blake and Alexis' son, was a supposedly-open gay character during an era where we didn't see any openly gay characters on television. However, it was rarely, if ever, discussed. I never even knew Steven was gay until I started research for this post. Steven did, after all, marry twice, to two of the show's most beautiful ladies: Sammy Jo (Heather Locklear) and Claudia Blaisdel (Pamela Bellwood). But his mother was Alexis, and that would turn any man to The Pink Side.

-Extra-Terrestrial life exists. Case in point: Fallon was abducted by aliens in "Dynasty"'s eighth season.

-You might have a half-sibling you didn't even know existed. This is what happened to Blake, who was appalled to learn that his long lost half-sister was the sassy diva Dominique Deveraux. Oh, and she's black too. Le scandale!

-Your servants secretly want one another. The Carrington help, Jeanette the Housekeeper and Gerard the Butler, quietly pined away for each other for years. They finally revealed their secret love when Matthew Blaisdel held everyone hostage in the Carrington mansion.

-If you can't find that special someone, just marry Blake's secretary. Krystle was originally Blake's secretary, and Adam married Dana, who was also Blake's secretary. I wonder what staffing firm he used, and if they charged him more for marrying off their clients.

-I am, alas, not Alexis/Joan. You see, by the end of the series, Alexis has become a fashion designer. And we all know I'm as fashion-retarded as they come. Ugh, now I'm depressed. Where are my shoulder pads....?