I Don't Get It: 10 Random Things That Confound Me

I am the first person to admit that there is a lot of stuff in the world that I just don't understand. I'm not one of those people who always has to be right, or always has to give the impression that I know what the hell is going on. In reality, I am more often than not rather mystified by various people, contraptions, styles, and ideas, and I make no effort to conceal my incomprehension.

Here is a brief list of Stuff I Just Don't Get. If you can explain any of these things to me, in the simplest, most elementary way possible, I would be grateful.

-Fashion. It is a huge stereotype that all gay men are fashionistas. The world of fashion is the one item on this list that stumps me above all others. I wish I understood it. My brother, for instance, is very fashionable and on the cutting edge and in-the-know about all things fashion-centric. He can talk about designers, shows, and clothing lines for days, in the same way I can talk about movies, books, actors, and writers. It was once explained to me that high fashion is high art, and to appreciate it one has to view it as just that: art. But try as I might, even being an ardent art-lover, I can't see the brilliance of clothing that looks like it has been vomited up by my cat. So many people get all wet in the crotch when Fashion Week rolls around, and news of it seems to be covered everywhere. I just cannot grasp that a vacant-eyed, grossly underweight model festooned in a lime green garbage bag with a rice cooker on her head is somehow artistic or revolutionary. I don't get it.

-"Messy" hair. I see this one a lot, and it's unfortunate that the only ones who seem to adhere to it are hot young men. I confess I might not understand this one simply because I'm jealous that they even have hair. But these guys look like they spent hours, and tons of hair product, in an attempt to get their hair to look perfectly mussed. Strands jut every which way, patches of scalp show through here and there, and not a follicle seems out of place...mostly because they are all out of place. Bedhead, bad toupees, even mullets, I can understand. But immaculately-disheveled hair that took great concentration and focus to attain? I don't get it.

-Owen Wilson. A voice that makes me yearn for Lee Press-Ons across a chalkboard. A single facial expression that always looks like he just took a massive dump in his pants. No discernible acting skill or merit. Yet Owen Wilson remains an inexplicably popular actor and personality and commands MILLIONS per movie. His fame and likability are as baffling to me as one of those pyramided Rubik's Cubes. I don't get it.

-Vibrators that look like animals. I've seen vibrators out there that look like bunny rabbits, butterflies, even hummingbirds. If you want animals nesting in your hoo-hah, just take your pants off, slather yourself in honey, and walk through a forest. That seems more logical to me, I guess. But a bright purple plastic rabbit gyrating between your legs? I don't get it.

-Parades. Man, I HATE parades. Who the hell thought up this idea? Let's get a bunch of people together, close a major thoroughfare of traffic, and move down the street REALLY, REALLY slowly. At the same time, let's hurl candy at the hoards of spectators lined up on the sidewalks. And let's just hope that no gawking child loses an eye in a barrage of Laffy Taffy. I don't get it.

-"Seinfeld". I've tried valiantly to watch and enjoy this institution of modern television, but I am incapable of understanding it. Scrying my Kleenex after I blow my nose is more entertaining for me. I don't find this TV show funny, or engaging, or even that well executed. I don't get it.

-Science Fiction. Given that my husband is a sci-fi freak, this item could (and just might someday) be an entire posting in and of itself. I have tried so damn hard to enjoy science fiction for 31 years, yet all my senses reject it. I can't wrap my mind around it. This is surprising because one would assume I'd enjoy pondering other worlds and realities and beings. I have no trouble taking leaps of faith and meditating on creative ideas of what could be out there, beyond the grip of our knowing. But science fiction consistently leaves me stumped. If I wanted to see a bunch of robotic, scary-faced creatures haunting the streets of a major world city, I'd watch reruns of "Sex and the City". I don't get it.

-Danielle Steele. This chick is a gazillionaire, and it seems she can't have a bowel movement without it being on the New York Times Bestseller List. All of her stories are nearly identical, and her skill as a writer makes Jackie Collins look like Hemingway. Yet people snatch up and devour her books with the zealotry of the Peoples Temple at a Kool-Aid factory. I don't get it.

-"The Silence of the Lambs". I am the only person on the face of the Earth that did not enjoy this movie. To be honest, I was bored stiff. Jodie Foster doing her best ice-queen lesbian and Anthony Hopkins doing his best batshit nutjob. I daresay it wasn't much of a stretch for either actor, but being mired down in a story that didn't engage me in the least made it all the more difficult for me to watch. This movie won a slew of Oscars and has gone down as a classic piece of American cinema. I don't get it.

-Corncob holders that are in the shape of tiny little corncobs. Seems redundant, doesn't it? I don't get it.