Putting the “Bitch” in “Obituary”: Donn Writes His Own Obit!

I recently came across this really fun website and couldn't help myself. I had to do this! A while back, Oprah met with people who did this in a more serious fashion, and the process changed their lives. Perhaps someday I will write a more realistic one in the hopes of examining and transforming my life, but for now, this is what I've come up with....

Acclaimed writer and all-around witted person Donn Saylor was found dead in his Venetian palazzo yesterday. He was 100. Saylor apparently died of a lethal cocktail consisting of Vicodin, wheat grass supplements, chewable Botox, and NyQuil. There is some debate over whether the death was accidental or suicide. While no note was left at the scene, a portion of Saylor’s life savings were discovered wadded up in his mouth, presumably to pay the ferryman for a safe voyage across the River Styx.

Donn was born on January 30, 1977, in rural Iowa. He spent his youth firmly parked too close to the television, watching soap operas and “The Golden Girls”. (Incidentally, his attempts later in life to legally change his name to Dorothy Zbornak were ultimately unsuccessful, as then-135-year-old Bea Arthur threatened to sue.) After graduating high school, Saylor moved to Los Angeles, where he attended an acting school much like the one in “Fame” (unfortunately, without the legwarmers). Donn spent most of his 20s in California and Iowa, usually in an alcohol- and/or drug-induced blur.

He found peace and a much-calmer existence once he quit drinking and met his future husband, John W. Beck IV, through an internet dating site where vegans find love. Donn and John were united in marriage on January 27, 2006, making them one of the first legally-married same sex couples in the country. In the first volume of his autobiography, Saylor admitted that during the nuptials, he peed his pants a little bit.

Over the next few years, Donn worked a variety of demeaning customer service jobs that proceeded to turn him into both a good-natured doormat and a spineless wimp. Inspired to never work in customer service again, it was during this time that Saylor began writing historical romance novels under the one-named moniker "Donnatella".

Donnatella has since become as famous as fellow single-titled legends Madonna or Cher, but only within the romance novel industry. Under this pseudonym, Saylor wrote nearly 7500 romance novels, including the pirate love story "Unbuckle My Swashbuckle", the lusty vampire tale "Bite On This", and the classic Renaissance England menage a trois romance "Two Codpieces, One Wishing Well".

Saylor's success, and speed (he turned out nearly 106 romances every year), with romance writing allowed him the means to devote his time to more serious literature. His debut novel, which appeared under his own name in 2010 with the unfortunate title "Poopsticks", was a scathing satire of contemporary greed, workplace incompetence, and general public service malaise. "Poopsticks" was regarded as a thinly-veiled memoir of Saylor's time serving in dead-end jobs and was reviewed in the New York Times as "the biggest pile of trash trying to pass itself off as respectable since Paris Hilton". Devastated by this review, more by the Paris Hilton comparison than the pile-of-trash remark, Saylor went into near-seclusion for the next several years with no published work appearing under his own name.

It is rumored that during these years Saylor spent much of his time at an ashram in India, studying with Baba Muffin McGee. Baba McGee is otherwise known as the reincarnation of Shirley MacLaine, and Saylor was a devout follower of the famous McGee/MacLaine teachings. The experience rejuvenated him, and he returned to the literary world in 2015 with his classic book "If You Can't Say Anything Nice About Anyone, Come Sit By Me".

"If You Can't Say Anything Nice" was a smash hit with both readers and critics and was awarded the Pulitzer Prize, National Book Award, and the Danielle Steele Prize For Excellence in Literature. Saylor produced a string of successful books over the next forty years, including "I Know You Are But What Am I?", "I Love Humanity But I Hate People", and his highly successful five-volume autobiography, "A Life Spent in Poopy Pants".

Saylor retired from writing at the age of 80 and all but disappeared from public view. One notable exception was the funeral of film star Adrien Brody. Saylor threw himself on Brody's coffin, wailing proclamations of his undying love and asserting that the two men had been secret lovers for decades. The spectacle is considered a well-staged scene, since there is no record of Saylor and Brody even having met. Brody's widow sued, and Saylor was ordered to pay her an undisclosed sum (some speculate in the millions). After this incident, he retired to his Venetian palazzo and was not publicly heard from again.

Donn Saylor is survived by his husband, 109-year-old John Beck, who now lives in the Star Trek Commune in Greenland; 17 large dogs and two persnickety 71-year-old cats, Fergus and Claire (who, rumor has it, have both been kept alive by the same unknown miracle elixir that has kept Cher alive now for 131 years); and Ling, a Chinese dwarf and Saylor's longtime assistant. The details of his will state that his fortune should be divided equally among all of them, with the final percentage going to several causes of which Saylor was an active member, including Dykes On Bikes, The Drag Queen Literacy Initiative, and Greenpeace.

Saylor will be cremated, and a memorial service will be held at The Greenhouse Coffee Shop in Amsterdam. Bring your own rolling papers. In lieu of flowers, it is requested that you give money to your local food co-op so that they may provide more tofu to the general public.