Book Review: "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper

A more appropriate title for this blog would be "Holy Shit", but I at least have couth enough not to write an offensive title that would emblazon a curse word at the top of my web page. I can, however, write a damned offensive blog. And so I shall.

Let me begin by saying that "90 Minutes in Heaven" is not a book I would normally read. At my job, the employees have started a monthly book club, and this particular book was the pick for the inaugural meeting. I borrowed a copy from a colleague, and thank god I did. I would've been supremely pissed off had I laid down a single cent for this royal turd of a book.

Actually, even calling it a book is being generous. The word "book" implies certain standards. Books offer new ideas, new experiences, new adventures. Books make us think about the larger, more vital questions of this life. Books make us feel less lonely. Books are entertaining.

"90 Minutes in Heaven" is none of these. It's more a long-winded pamphlet of Christian cliches and ideologies, masked in the guise of a preacher's journey from a soul-saving, gospel-spreading Man of God to, well, a soul-saving, gospel-spreading Man of God.

Let me explain.

The author of this potato (let's just call it a potato, since it's clearly not a book) is a minister named Don Piper. In 1989, he was in an awful car accident, in which he was hit head-on and his vehicle was pretty much flattened. In this accident, Don Piper died. For ninety minutes, anyway.

Now this is where it gets tricky. A 205-page potato that boasts a title and a jacket declaring the author's real, one-of-a-kind visit to the real, one-of-a-kind heaven, only contains fifteen pages actually about heaven. The rest of the story consists of the details of Piper's recovery.

At this point in my reading, I was still more than willing to give it a chance. My husband John was also in a terrible car accident many years ago, and his recovery process was long and arduous (and in some ways, still continues to this day). I thought Piper's experience, while not giving me the secrets of heaven as promised, would hopefully give me some insight into what John went through.

But ah, ain't wishful thinking grand? Because while it is true that the author goes into detail about the physical ramifications of the collision, he really says very little about the emotional or spiritual ones. And there is good reason for this: Don Piper is not a writer. He's simply not, there's no kind way to put it. Yet I gotta give Don a little credit, because he had sense enough to hire a co-author, Cecil Murphey, to write his story. I'm assuming he dictated his tale and put it on paper with Murphey's collaboration and guidance. Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't this what a co-author is supposed to do?

Maybe Mr. Murphey called in sick on the day Piper decided to write the potato. Not only does it feel like it was written in a day, but there seems to have been no editing process involved whatsoever. The story lacks any real depth or discovery, which is truly tragic since this horrible experience could've served as a catalyst for some mighty, benevolent change in Don Piper's world. And possibly even the worlds of other car crash survivors.

Let's visit those few pages that actually take place in heaven. First of all, the entire description of Piper's heaven can be summed up in two words: "It's indescribable." He makes it a point to say this, repeatedly and ad nauseam, throughout the two chapters devoted to the celestial resting place in the sky. Everything, from the sights to the emotions to the music, is just not describable. This bothered me a lot. Piper clearly shouldn't have written a book/root vegetable if he couldn't put words to an experience. Because that's what a book is.

The few bones he does toss us are positively trite. Pearly gates, streets paved with gold, choirs of angels. My first thought when I read these things was Damn, heaven sounds boring as hell.

As I mentioned, the remaining 190 pages chronicle Piper's recovery after he was inexplicably brought back to life by another minister, who just happened to be driving by. This second minister squeezed into the mangled car and prayed all over Piper till he woke. These pages are as equally uninteresting and uninspiring as the few that take place in heaven. In writing his story, Piper has managed to do something that is indeed miraculous: he has left out the story itself. There are no dramatic arcs, there's no coherent plot, and this hero we are rooting for undergoes no important spiritual or emotional changes.

The hero's journey can be broken down like this:
1. Car accident. Bad.
2. Dies for ninety minutes. Goes to heaven. Indescribable.
3. Brought back to life; undergoes torturous recovery. Bad.
4. Continues with the same job, same life, same beliefs, same views held pre-accident. Good.

The other players in this drama, namely Piper's wife, kids, and colleagues, play virtually no role in this retelling of events. In fact, I was a little offended by the author's portrayal of his wife. Not only is she almost nonexistent, but what little he does say about her paints her as an irrelevant and incompetent "Christian helpmate". He even goes so far as to point out her inability to handle those manly things like finances, writing checks, and paying bills. This poor woman suffered just as much as he did with this accident, and she deserves better.

There was, though, one character and one instance that I found truly touching. After Piper has returned home to convalesce, his mother comes to take care of him when his wife steps away for a breather at Bible camp. He is embarrassed by his bed-ridden state and the fact that he has to use a bedpan. But his mother is unfazed: she falls into her role with delicate ease and nurses her son with no judgment and no discomfort. It's really a beautiful scene, and I wish it hadn't been relegated to a couple of paragraphs. This story -- the man who has spent his life saving and caring for others is forced to be saved and cared for as an adult by the only person who really can: his mother -- should have been the focus of the book. It would've made a far better story.

In the last chapter of the book, Piper does something I found profoundly distasteful and a furthering of the stereotypes that all Christians are out to save our souls and preach that their way is the only way. The author dismisses claims of other people's near-death experiences. He doesn't mention any names, but he points out some other folks who had NDEs and wrote books about their experiences. And then proceeds to blow them off with an arrogant attitude of, in so many words, "MY experience is the only REAL experience".

Now that you've heard me tear this book a new one, I'm tempted to tell you to go read it. It's like that old SNL skit where one guy smells the sour milk, immediately winces, and says, "Oh that smells awful! Here, SMELL IT!" --and thrusts the carton at the other guy. It can be fun to see just how bad bad writing can be. I kinda want you to experience just how awful this book really is.

It's...indescribable.