Spamalot: The Joy of Junk Email

Like the vast majority of the wired world, I get bombarded with spam in my email account each and every day. I know spam annoys a lot of people, and I can understand why. John's email account, for instance, gets literally hundreds of junk messages every day. I also get my fair share, but in much smaller numbers, which is probably why I find it more entertaining than annoying.

Here are a few of the favorites that landed in my inbox:

• Great Deals and Special Savings on Art Linkletter's Craftsmatic Adjustable Bed. Now don't judge, because I love everything about this bed. I've always wanted one. Imagine the ease! I can lay in bed and not even move, this thing will do all the work for me. If I want to get up, all I have to do is push a button and this amazing device will put me in a standing position! But why the hell would I want to get up? I'd never leave this bed!
• Subject Line: "You KNOW When the Girls Start Staring At Your Pants, You're Doing Something Right!" Oh, this one tickles me. It assumes so much. It assumes I like girls. It assumes the girls I encounter are the type to ogle men's crotches. It assumes I have a small penis (I just realized that this is my second blog in a row where I talk about penis size. Don't read too much into this.) It also assumes I wear pants.
• URGENT. Your help is desperately needed. These emails always try to come off as a gentle Christian woman in the barbarism of Africa (usually Nigeria) who is in desperate need of money for her church, or her daughter's life-saving operation, or new straw for the roof of her hut. The letters go something like this: "Dearest, I call upon you to send me cash so that I may buy food for my babies. Today I went to the market, and I had to sell my left hand for a pig snout. Please help. Yours in Christ, Mary Ndugu".
• I'm sure we all get the same spam from Reunion.com. The emails, which arrive at least twice a week, always contain the same subject: "Donn, 4 People Are Searching For you!" This one always makes me chuckle. Cuz ain't nobody lookin' for me!
• Subject: "equinoctial Vyiaggra $1.09". I admit, I had to look up "equinoctial" in the dictionary, and now I kinda like this word. It means "pertaining to equinoxes". But "Vyiaggra"? And why isn't the e on "equinoctial" capitalized in the subject line? And most importantly, why is Jai Washington, the sender of this email, so concerned with what's happening "down there"? Sheesh, he could at least buy me dinner first.
  

Ah, good old spam. It's not just a processed blob of luncheon meat anymore!